


Let’s Play Pretend

by youngand_doomed



Series: ‘Let’s Play Pretend’ AU [1]
Category: Mindless Self Indulgence (Band), My Chemical Romance
Genre: F/M, FTM Mikey Way, Homophobia, M/M, Other, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Pregnancy, Trans Character, Transphobia, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25171777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngand_doomed/pseuds/youngand_doomed
Summary: ‘There are some rules in the tour bus that everyone on it knows:1. If the door is shut in the day, don’t go inside.2. Pretend to ignore the sex noises.3. Mikey Way is transgender, but don’t mention it unless you want a sock in the jaw from either his brother or his boyfriend.’Alternatively titled: a comprehensive guide to why Mikey is a complete and utter idiot.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Jamia Nestor, Lindsey Ballato/Gerard Way, Ray Toro/Mikey Way
Series: ‘Let’s Play Pretend’ AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826458
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Let’s Play Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> mpreg fics are stupid because they usually have no explanation. so here’s your explanation: mikey is trans. also this is the prorev tour, and i want everyone to be happy. because im sad.  
> \- frankie <3

There are some rules in the tour bus that everyone on it knows:  
1\. If the door is shut in the day, don’t go inside.  
2\. Pretend to ignore the sex noises.  
3\. Mikey Way is transgender, but don’t mention it unless you want a sock in the jaw from either his brother or his boyfriend.

Of course, Bob is an asshole and Frank can be a little shit when he wants to, so there are some broken rules occasionally. There’ll be a time when everyone is avoiding the bus because Gerard and Lindsey have both got some free time, and Bob is stubborn and stone-cold enough to walk into the bus and grab his drumsticks without giving a shit about them making out. Or Frank will be having a night where he refuses to sleep, and he’ll hear who he presumes is Ray and Mikey fucking on the couch instead of inside the cramped up bunk, and he’ll tease them about it the next day. To be fair, all of them had broken rule three at some point; Mikey was easy to make fun of because he took it with a cold expression and often gave amusing remarks in return. That didn’t stop Gerard busting Bob’s lip once.

It was one of the days where everyone was a little on edge. Gerard had been fretting over their set, because Gerard always frets over their shows, but that had riled up Ray because he was the only one who could take his ranting sober. Ray being anxious made Frank bounce around more, slotting into his role as resident little brother to annoy the shit out of everyone. It left Bob in an even worse mood than usual, and Mikey tense as a guitar string ready to snap. Everyone could sense something was about to happy, but no one really expected it to happen so quickly and joltingly.

“We all need to relax, Gerard. Stop pacing and sit down. Or go find your girlfriend and fuck her for a bit, that’ll take the edge off,” Bob snarled, only getting a half-assed glare in return. “Shame I don’t have a girl to bang when I’m nervous - Mikey, show us your tits, it’ll help.”

Frank let out a nervous giggle, either from the tension that settled over the room or the fear for the show kicking in. Bob kept his eyes on Mikey; he hadn’t moved in what felt like minutes. He stared blankly ahead at the wall. It would be fine - just another stupid comment that Bob would apologise for later when they were less tense. The guitar string snapped.

“Fuck off, you fucking asshole,” Mikey spat, standing up. He was seething with pent-up anger, so much so that everyone in the room shrunk back a little. No one wanted to see either of the Way brothers angry. “Just because I’m not fucking perfect like the rest of you? Not my fault that I was born like this, was it? If I’d had it my way, I wouldn’t have been born in the first place! At least I wouldn’t be here with you dickheads right now!” And that was it - he was bursting into tears in front of all of them. Ray quickly stood up and cradled him carefully, and Bob thankfully had the right mind not to bring up his period.

Gerard looked fit to burst with anger, but instead, he hurried them all backstage, repeating the set to them before leaving them all to wander around before the show. To calm him down before the show and hopefully brighten his mood a little, Ray might’ve taken Mikey into one of the dressing rooms and fucked him until they absolutely had to finish. It also might’ve been Gerard’s dressing room, but none of them had to know that.

—

Mikey had a thing for being a people-pleaser, which was why he was often so quiet: he didn’t want to get involved in things where he could upset people or make them feel stupid. So he kept his mouth shut, and for the most part, that stopped him from going blue in the face while trying to make everyone else happy. When it came to the band, however, he had to speak up, so he found other ways to put their needs before his own.

He would purposefully go out of his way whenever they reached a new city to find Gerard’s favourite coffee brand - it was expensive as shit, but it made his brother happy to have coffee when the shitty communal coffee had run out. Frank was easy to please, as long as there was some vegan shit in the fridge. He struggled to keep Bob happy, because they were just so different; the best way he’d come up with was to let Bob insult him whenever he felt he needed to. Ray.. Ray was the easiest to keep happy, although Mikey considered once that whatever he did would probably put a smile on his face. What kept Ray especially calm and happy, however, was sex. He was happy to give him sex.

And give him sex he did. On this tour so far, they’d fucked on every suitable surface in the bus, as well as some unsuitable ones (“Ray, we cannot fuck on the table,” Mikey had said, “My brother eats food off it!”). He couldn’t remember a day where he wasn’t blissed out from either shit weed that Frank had stolen, or his boyfriend’s dick inside him. He was happy to be happy, though - at least he wasn’t blissed out in a field after snorting coke off some guy’s dick this time.

There were some downfalls to being a people pleaser; for example, when Mikey started to get sick a few times throughout the day, he refused to tell Gerard about it. Ray knew, because he’d rubbed his back while it happened, and Frank knew because he’d walked in on him throwing up whatever crap he’d eaten earlier in the day. But he refused to tell Gerard he was sick, because Gerard would worry like he usually did, and he’d force them to cancel a few shows. He just did his vomiting in discreet places instead of out in the open.

He was smoking a blunt with Frank, both of them slumped on the floor beside the bus and talking nonsense. “Mikes, what if all this throwing up is ‘cause Toro’s dick was too much for you?” Mikey snickered childishly.

“Toro’s dick has never been too much for me, you ass. I can take a lot more than that.”

“What I mean is.. what if he got you pregnant?”

It was clear Frank was kidding, by the way he started giggling afterwards. They brushed it off as their usual weird trains of thought when they got high, and went back to reminiscing about home. When they got back in a few months time, they had a whole six months before they had to get working on the next album. That meant six months of lying around in his and Ray’s apartment in nothing but boxers, because he didn’t have to worry about people seeing his tits when they always had the curtains closed. Six months of barely any people pleasing besides the sort that was more literal than anything.

When they were squashed up in Mikey’s bunk that night, he brought up what Frank had said to Ray, who had snorted and said, “come on, Mikes - we used condoms, we aren’t stupid. Frank always says stupid shit when he’s high. Now stop talking about kids and cuddle with me; we’re only twenty something, I’m making you wait until we’re at least thirty.” And so the subject of pregnancy was squashed more than they were for the remainder of that tour.

It didn’t feel so squashed down in Mikey’s head when he kept vomiting at the smell of coffee, so much so that he was forced to be a living zombie until he got better. Or when he bought a test, just to be sure, and the nice pharmacist asked if him and his girlfriend were trying. Or when he waited anxiously for a negative sign that never came.

He was in deep shit now.

—

The shaking in Mikey’s hands didn’t stop until they were waiting for their show later that day. He’d been careful to hide the test under the mattress in his bunk instead of in the trash - for whatever reason, Gerard would sometimes drop something in there and rummage through to find it. Even then, the shaking was only quelled for an hour or so, and by then, he was having a full blown panic attack behind the bus where no one would see him. He wanted it to be a sick, sick fever dream of whatever illness he had. He wanted to rewind to before he knew he was carrying a little baby inside him and pretend it never happened in the first place. If he ignored it for long enough, maybe the baby would leave him the fuck alone.

It made him feel like a woman. That was what was panicking him the most; not the fact that Ray had clearly said that he didn’t want kids yet, not the fact that pregnancy would probably be long and difficult and fucking painful, but the fact it made him feel like absolute shit. And Mikey feeling like shit made Gerard feel like shit, and that was just a mess that didn’t need to happen right now. So in that intense moment of panic, he made one of the stupidest decisions that he’d ever made in his life: he was going to ignore the baby and hide it from everyone.

He had three panic attacks before their next show, which was a day away. And unfortunately, with the panicky energy around Mikey, came the tension that poked through when Bob had made that scathing remark a few weeks back. Because Mikey was supposed to be the solid one, their rock, that never got nervous for shows (Mikey just didn’t like admitting he was nervous because it upset other people). With Mikey being in his tightly wound anxious state, it meant he forgot about people pleasing for a while. He was too worried about the actual human life inside himself to make sure Gerard had his favourite brand of coffee, or that there was enough vegan food in the fridge, or to let Bob’s insults slide over him, or to make sure Ray was getting enough sex to keep him relaxed.

He was even more on edge because he was sober. Babies meant being straight edged, which meant dropping everything that kept him grounded. His therapist would be proud that he got clean in a day or two, but would be less proud that it was because he was scared shitless enough to stop caring about his own well-being and only care about the baby. He only kept eating because he knew the baby would be hungry, only kept sleeping because the baby needed to grow, only kept playing bass because the fucking baby needed money, and lots of it.

Tense and anxious Mikey pushed people away as well. Instead of holding tightly onto Ray at night like he usually did, he was curled in a ball in his bunk, crying quietly as he listened to Bob’s snide comments about how they would be better off replacing Mikey with a more put-together bassist who had his life in order. He was so desperate for comfort when he was down that he hugged one of the crew members instead of going to find Ray and hugging him, in case he bothered him.

So it surprised both of them when, later that night after the show, Mikey stumbled onto the bus with a fiery look in his eyes. He slammed the door shut, hard enough to let anyone know he was there. He knew exactly where everyone was at that moment - Gerard was watching his girlfriend’s set, Frank and Bob had gone off to god knows who’s party, and Ray was sat on the couch, playing his guitar quietly. He looked a little concerned at the haste that Mikey took off his jacket, and the haste that he went to the bunk and came back with a box of condoms that he was sure weren’t theirs.

Mikey was so tense that he felt like he was going to burst if he didn’t get some sort of relief. He could have sex with Ray without taking his shirt off - they’d done it plenty of times before. In the back of his mind, he knew he was stupid for being so anxious about Ray finding out about his baby - _their_ baby - when he knew he didn’t have a baby bump under his shirt. But still, he was unbuckling both of their belts quickly, refusing to let Ray go anywhere near his shirt. 

He kicked off his jeans and boxers, leaving them in a heap on the floor. Ray followed suit, looking confused but altogether on board as Mikey lowered himself onto his dick. It was messy; it was always messy like this. Mikey wanted messy, he wanted it to be so fucking good that he’d forget about being as big as a whale in what would only be a few months. He bounced himself unevenly at first, trying to get a steady rhythm as Ray kissed him open-mouthed.

He found the right rhythm just as he heard the doorknob rattle - no way in hell was he stopping now. He could feel hands on his hips trying to stop him, but there was no authority in their grip. His movements stuttered a little as whoever it was opened the door and promptly slammed it again. He was clawing at Ray’s back, not exactly sure what more he wanted except getting dicked down at this moment in time. He could hear obscene moans in his ear, followed by heavy breaths that should be banned for anything besides a low budget porn movie.

“Fuck, Mikey - where did this come from?” Ray laughed, which turned into groaning again as he slammed his hips down.

“Needed to let off some steam,” he muttered in response, more interested in leaving a dark hickey on his neck where he wouldn’t be able to hide it than the tantilising conversation. “This is okay, right?”

“Oh, baby, it’s more than okay-,” Ray whined in response, going silent and letting Mikey slam his hips down over and over and over until he was finished, slumping down against his chest.

They were both giggling like idiots a few moments later, and for a little while, Mikey could forget that he was a mess at the moment. He felt cum sliding down his thighs, and wiped it absently. He wasn’t too bothered; apparently they’d just forgotten to actually put a condom on in the heat of the moment. He didn’t bother to tell Ray as they lay down. It wouldn’t be worth it, especially with what was going to be happening over the next nine months. He could wait to ruin a man’s life.

—

When Lindsey and Gerard signed their marriage certificates backstage after a show, Mikey was happy for them. He was happy that they were together, and that they had each other; they’d be the perfect parents whenever they decided to conceive. Which only brought his thoughts back to the thing inside him. He’d been doing a pretty good job of ignoring it, really. Especially since he knew he was supposed to be taking some sort of vitamin at this point, prescribed by the doctor he was not seeing about it. Really, he was happy for them. He was just not happy about himself.

Luckily, they’d be allowed to stay at a motel that night, since it was technically Gerard and Lindsey’s wedding night. Staying in a motel was one of the better feelings when you’re on tour, since you could have a proper shower and sleep on a real bed instead of cramped up in a tiny little bunk. While he had his shower and listened to Ray do god knows what in the bedroom, he thought about the baby. He wanted to call it a sort of parasite, really; the thing drained all his energy all the time, and put him off coffee for a solid month and a half. It was nice to play pretend and imagine a future where he didn’t have to give up the baby, though. He pretended that their apartment became a house with a backyard that their kid could play in, that their band became background noise that didnt take up all of their waking hours for half the year.

Pretend was not something he could fantasise about forever, though - he had a real life where he was however far along in his pregnancy, and a brother who’d just gotten married, and a boyfriend who didn’t know about his own baby. He really needed to tell someone. Someone he could trust to not tell anyone else, and also someone he could trust to take him to doctors appointments wherever in the city they were. He slipped off to Gerard and Lindsey’s room at the first chance he got, and pretended that he had a bass emergency that could not wait five minutes, thank you Gerard.

“So, what’s up with your bass?” Lindsey asked as they walked. He was itching to tell her, because the guilt of keeping secrets from everyone was eating him from the inside out.

“Nothing, really.” She eyed him suspiciously. “But I needed to talk to someone alone.”

“Why couldn’t it have been Gerard? Or Ray?”

“No offence to them, but they’d kind of suck ass if I told them this. And I trust you to not go snitching on me to my mom and dad.” She snickered and shrugged, indicating for him to go ahead. “I’m pregnant, Linds. And I’m scared shitless, because I have no fucking idea what I’m doing right now.”

She looked taken aback - to be honest, she’d expected a bass problem and ended up with a baby problem. She smiled widely after a moment though, which relieved Mikey. He was starting to get all tight again, which would’ve made him explode quickly if anything remotely scary happened.

“Okay, that’s okay. So why can’t you tell Ray or Gerard? Or literally anyone else besides me?”

“Because I told you already - I trust you more than them, in a weird way. And Ray told me he didn’t want babies, which means I’m stuck with it being my baby instead of our baby. Gerard would be an asshole about it, because he’s my brother.”

“So what do you need me to do, Mikey?”

He explained that he needed someone to get him those vitamins that he probably desperately needed right now, and also to get a doctors appointment at the nearest hospital, as soon as possible. He felt himself immediately relax as soon as she’d gone back into the room and promised to sort out everything he needed. The guilty feeling was still there, because Ray still didn’t know that he was going to be a dad, but it didn’t matter. He was going to look after that damn baby before anyone else. Fuck being a people pleaser.

—

Mikey kept a copy of the sonogram under his mattress, next to the pregnancy test. The baby was probably around four months old, and in the picture, you could make out the shapes that formed a body. He’d cried when he saw it for the first time. It wasn’t even happy tears - he was ugly sobbing into Lindsey’s shoulder because he was giving up that baby to someone else. Some other family would get to look after the baby, look at its perfect little face, see the likeness of either Mikey or Ray emerging. He was the worst parent in the world.

The tour had almost finished by that point. He was terrified to go home with Ray, because it meant that he’d eventually find out about the baby. He couldn’t exactly hide the growing bump if he wanted to laze around the apartment in his underwear. He was also planning places he could go once he found out. Gerard and Lindsey could be a good option, because Lindsey knew, but that would mean Gerard finding out. Frank’s dirty apartment was a no-go, as was Bob’s. The best option seemed like his parent’s house at that point. He slipped the baby related items into his bag once he was sure everyone was asleep, before falling asleep in his bunk for the final time.

The first few days back from tour were always the worst, because it meant coming down from a three month high. They bathed together, relaxing in the tub that was too big to sit in alone, and Mikey considered just telling Ray while they lay there. It was like ripping off a bandaid - except the bandaid wasn’t covering a scrape but a banner that said ‘congrats! I’m ruining your future!’. He didn’t comment on his stomach that hadn’t been there before, not like Bob had done. Mikey was glad of that.

The rest of coming down from the high was spent in bed, curled around each other and snoring peacefully between their rambled conversations about whatever came to mind. The future never came up, mostly because both of them were terrified of the future. Mikey was scared of thinking more than five months ahead, because that meant no more baby and being lonely. Ray was scared because he couldn’t control what happened, which made him anxious. So they talked about music instead, and planned on going to concerts that year that they’d never actually go to, and laughed about all the people that had come before Mikey-And-Ray.

Apparently Gerard and Lindsey weren’t scared of the future, though, or what anyone thought about them, because they announced that they were trying for a baby a few weeks into the long deserved break. Ray had to rub circles into his back, because he started crying after he’d read Gerard’s message. He seemed to take the bait that he was just happy for his brother, happy to be an uncle, but it was mostly because he was sure that they’d all have very different reactions when he made a similar announcement. They’d be shocked and probably do the awkward guy thing where they pat each other too heavily on the back and say ‘congratulations, dude’, because how else do you react to a pregnant guy? He wanted their reaction to be as simple as Frank’s had been: ‘you’ll be great parents’.

Mikey would not make a good father, and that was the only thing that he was certain about. He was short tempered and little things bugged him easily. He was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, and he was a fucking tranny. He was certain that all of those things went into making a bad and possibly abusive dad, and he never wanted that for his child. He wanted it to be happy for its whole life. He wanted it to have a stable life where its parents weren’t off touring all the time, probably dragging it along for the ride. That was why he made arrangements to have the baby taken away the day after it was born when he went for his next scan.

—

Mikey Way was not a stupid person when it came down to it. He could be dense about some things, or not think things through properly, which resulted in him making very stupid decisions. But he was not a stupid person.

He had thought about ways to tell Ray about the baby since he knew about it, which was probably six or seven months ago now. That ruled out the idea of it being a rushed thing that resulted in stupidness. He certainly wasn’t dense about it - he’d been watching baby reveals on YouTube for months, hoping and praying that one of the ways would work, and he wouldn’t completely tear their relationship apart. Because it was teetering on thin ice, due to Mikey’s fears. They hadn’t seen much of each other since the five month mark, when Ray had gone to stay with his parents for a few weeks, telling Mikey it was because he missed them. That was at least a month and a half ago.

So not being a stupid person, Mikey thought he would’ve come up with a more intelligent way to tell Ray that he was a dad than silently handing him a sonogram picture the moment he stepped through the front door. Truth be told, he’d been crying for the majority of the time that he’d been gone, trying and failing to ignore the stomach that came with a baby. He was always small, so it wasn’t huge, but it was definitely noticeable at that point. His mind wasn’t exactly straight.

Maybe Ray was a bit dense at times too, because all he could say was, “what?”.

“Surprise. That’s your baby,” Mikey said flatly, picking awkwardly at his nails. He wanted to grab his bag and leave before he got yelled at for being careless, but he kind of wanted the sonogram back. “Didn’t want to tell you, because you said you didn’t want a baby.” Ray was hugging him tightly but carefully before he’d finished his sentence, grinning ear to ear. Oh god. He didn’t even know the worst part yet.

“Mikey, idiot - of course I’d want our baby if we were having one! We’re gonna be parents.” Mikey was sure he felt his heart break as he gently took the picture back, shaking his head and sliding it into his pocket.

“No.. we won’t, Ray. There’s this other family-,” he mumbled, refusing to look him in the face. He wanted to start crying on the spot, because this felt like such a stupid decision right now, but he’d done enough crying over it. The arrangements had already been made. He sniffed. “They’re taking it once it’s born, the day after.”

“What?” This time, it wasn’t Ray’s fault for being dense, it was completely Mikey’s fault. The word had a nasty edge to it, and he was terrified. “I didn’t even get a say in it, Mikey! It’s my baby too!” He seemed to be getting angrier with every word he said, and that was when he started crying. He grabbed his bag shakily, ducking under his arms and making a run for the door. He would stay with Gerard, fuck it. He couldn’t face anyone but him right now.

He didn’t stop crying until he was in Gerard’s house, in his studio, in his arms. Lindsey just quietly led him up there, taking his bag off him to probably set up the spare room. He just let Gerard run his fingers through his hair, and whisper calming things to him, until he’d finally stopped sobbing and got to the awkward, snivelling stage of crying. He could feel the fabric soaked underneath his cheek from where he’d cried, and he wanted to apologise, but it was Gerard who spoke first.

“Do you wanna talk about your baby or not? We don’t have to, but it might be nice. I won’t judge you.” Mikey sniffed awkwardly and shifted himself to rest on the edge of Gerard’s desk instead of being slumped in his lap. “No offence, Mikes, but you’re the size of a whale. How did you manage to hide it from us for that long?”

“Wanted to. Thought if I ignored it, then it’d go away. I didn’t want it.” He fought back sobs as he thought back to the disappointment he heard in Ray’s voice.

“Presuming it’s our wonderful guitarist’s work. And also presuming he didn’t take it well?”

“He took it great, I’m the one who fucked it all up, as usual. He was so happy, but - but I’ve already arranged to have it adopted. He was so scary, Gee. I’ve never seen him get that angry before.”

“It’s probably not good for you to go home then, huh? You can stay here as long as you need, little brother. I’ll get Frank to collect your stuff if you need it.”

He then went to the spare room that Lindsey had set up for him; he imagined this would be where Gerard would have their nursery for their baby. Their baby that they got to keep. Their baby that would grow up knowing that it would always be safe, inside a loving family that could take care of it properly. That’s why Mikey was giving up the baby, right? Because he wanted exactly that for his own child, and he definitely couldn’t do all that himself. He was a wreck of a human being, and he’d be dead not long after the baby was born. It was the way he’d planned it - thought through and not rushed, so it wasn’t a stupid decision.

—

Pregnancy was pushed to the back of his mind, for a few weeks. He knew he was carrying a baby, but he tried not to think about where it came from too hard, or he’d have another breakdown. Frank came over with his stuff a few days after, trying to get Mikey out of bed like Gerard had probably asked him to. He didn’t move. He didn’t want to move, or acknowledge that he was alive apart from being a vessel for a baby that was only two months away. Two months and he could be gone.

He knew that it was unhealthy, but he couldn’t help it anymore. He wanted to take a pistol and shoot himself right then and there, but he had to wait. He wouldn’t fuck up the baby’s life more than he already was. While he lay in bed for those weeks, he considered giving the baby to Ray when it was born. It’d be a hassle to go through the adoption paperwork again to cancel it, but at least Ray would be happy with his baby. Mikey didn’t want it to be his baby anymore, or even theirs. It was Ray’s baby.

When Gerard came to check on him every day, he told him that Ray had tried to come and find him, but he’d sent him away.

“He was out of it, dude - never seen him that scared in my life. Pretty sure he thought you’d offed yourself and his baby as well.” Mikey laughed humourlessly and leaned against his brother’s side. “He told me to tell you he’s sorry for fucking things up, and he just wants you back. Says it doesn’t matter what happens with the baby.”

“If he comes again, tell him he wasn’t the one who fucked things up.” When Gerard asked what he meant, he refused to respond again. He went back to thinking about the easiest way to die the minute the baby was safe and well. In those hours where he did nothing but think, he realised that he really loved that baby. He realised that he really wanted to keep it, no matter how much of a shitty parent he’d be. He blamed his people pleasing nature on that.

Lindsey came to talk to him as well, and it was easier with her. She understood that he just wanted to forget, and talked to him about her band instead - he appreciated that. He appreciated the fact that she didn’t see him as some good-for-nothing guy, but instead her friend and brother-in-law. He wished he could tell her what he was planning, but then everyone would know, and they’d stop him. He didn’t want them to stop him; all he could think about was how much Ray hated him for giving up his baby. He tore up the adoption papers that night, and sent an email to the agency that the baby would be staying with its dad.

—

When Mikey went into labour, he really didn’t want to do anything about it. He knew that he needed to do some weird breathing techniques that he hadn’t practiced to stop the pain from getting too bad. He also knew that he should probably go and wake someone up to take him to hospital because, holy shit, the baby was coming right now. But instead, he checked that the baby’s head wasn’t in any immediate danger of coming out, and grabbed his phone to call Ray.

He didn’t answer, probably because it was three in the fucking morning, but he kept ringing until he got a groggy “hello?” through the phone. This was his chance - tell him how much he loved him, tell him that he was scared of himself once the baby was out of him, tell him that he wanted to raise the baby together with him.

“I’m in labour, I think,” he said, still sounding a little confused. “My pyjamas are soaked, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t piss myself.. does that mean my waters broke?” He heard a rustling on the other side of the phone, then a clear voice came through. It soothed him to know that at least one of them had some vague idea of what to do right now

“Just stay in bed, I’ll be right over.” The phone call ended, and suddenly he was a lot more panicked than before, but still probably at a reasonable level for someone who would be giving birth to a baby soon. He stared at the ceiling as he waited, forgetting all his plans for after Ray had the baby - instead, he played pretend that they would live together in a perfect house on the outskirts of LA, and their kid would learn to swim in a pool in their garden.

He started to feel his first contraction when Ray barged into the room, flicking on the light and looking more concerned than Mikey seemed to be. He got to work with gently pulling his soaked sweatpants down and tossing them to the side, before starting to rub circles into his stomach.

“Ray - this is your baby,” he said breathlessly, looking a shade redder than he usually did. Ray laughed nervously, nodding.

“I know it is. Pretty sure you weren’t sleeping with any other guys on tour.”

“No, I mean - you’re taking it once it’s born. It’s yours. I’ve already sorted the paperwork out with the adoption agency.”

They didn’t speak again. Mikey was sure that Ray would refuse and say they had to do it together; well, it was less sure and more want. Gerard woke up from all the noise that Ray had made coming in, and then they didn’t have to interact until there was a baby in the room. Gerard took over with looking after Mikey, Gerard called an ambulance when he was sure he felt a head pushing on his hips, Gerard held his hand the whole time he was pushing.

Mikey held the baby once. He wanted to whisper to her - it was a _her_ \- that he was sorry for everything he had done and would ever do, and that he hoped she’d have the perfect life. He only planned on holding her close to himself once, because anymore and he’d become attached and never be able to give her to Ray. But apparently one time was enough, because he was grinning and giggling about something that would be way less funny without all the pain medication he was on, which made Ray smile, and suddenly the whole being parents together thing didn’t seem all that hard.

“Mikey, honey - you said she was my baby too, pass her over.”

“But she’s so tiny, I just want to hold her forever and ever. Please don’t make me give her up, Ray. I know I do stupid things when I’m scared, and you two are the scariest things I’ve ever had in my life, which means a whole lot of stupid things. I want to try.”

—

They were home a few days later, once he’d been taken off the medication, back in their shitty apartment. Ray had bought a little teddy for Rowan apparently, which made them smile. They had a few last minute things that they’d bought, which had been ridiculously expensive, but none of it mattered anymore. Rowan was home, Rowan was safe, Rowan’s last name was Toro because Ray had promised to make Mikey’s last name Toro one day as well, when they lay in bed long after she had fallen asleep.

“Toro is a stupid name, I like Way.”

“But then my name won’t be Toro anymore, and Rowan will be the only Toro.”

“May the name die with her.”

“Go to sleep, Mikey. I love you.”

“Love you too.”


End file.
